ADITI GOYAL — SELF-TRUST COACH & ISB ALUMNA
Are You the Last Person on Your List? Part 2
Welcome to Thrive with Aditi. Each week, I share practical insights and personal reflections to help high achievers overcome imposter syndrome, self-doubt, people-pleasing, and build unshakeable self-trust so you can live a life where you stop second-guessing yourself.
This is Part 2 of “Are you the ‘last’ person on your list?” – a 10-part series exploring self-abandonment. In this series, we unpack the hidden daily betrayals we commit against ourselves, how they keep us stuck, and what it actually takes to finally come back home to yourself.
In this second article, we break down the six distinct ways self-abandonment disguises itself as your best traits, from people-pleasing to perfectionism, so you can recognise what is keeping you stuck and start reclaiming your voice.
You did it again.
You know you are doing it so they will appreciate it, but when you don’t get that acknowledgement and a part of you is angry.
You know you are busy but you don’t want to hurt them, so you say yes. And then while you finish doing your own work and helping them, you feel exhausted. You know you overcommitted but you think- ab toh commitment kar di.
These are two very different but very similar faces of self abandonment.
In Part 1 we looked at what self-abandonment is at its core – the slow erosion of your own needs and voice. But the way it shows up? That’s unique to each person.
After working with hundreds of clients, I’ve seen six common types of self-abandonment – each one different on the surface, rooted in the same place underneath.
And recognising yours is where it starts.
The 6 Faces of Self-Abandonment: Which One Do You Wear?
1. The Over-Accommodator (The Chronic ‘Yes’ Giver)
When helping others becomes self-abandonment
- You prioritise others over yourself – their needs, their work, their feelings always seem more important than your own.
- You say ‘yes’ too often and then end up feeling exhausted or resentful for the amount of work you have on your plate.
- You over-adjust, you apologise, you sacrifice what you want to do, you make the first move – to keep relationships or avoid conflicts
- You are good at reading the room, reading facial expressions of other people and you know when someone is disappointed, hurt or confused. You have gotten so focussed on others, that you don’t tune in to your feelings enough.
All these are not bad traits. Anyone would be lucky to have them in a friend, a colleague or a family member. But when these come at a cost to yourself, these lead to self- abandonment. You tell yourself – I am a good person, I am easy going, I care for the people in my life.
Well you do!
But the cost? It makes you the last priority on your list?
You are hoping other people will step-up for you the way you do for others? Or you think it’s easier if you handle it by yourself. And I bet, you go through both of these interchangeably.
Everytime you put yourself last – you are telling yourself – my needs, my aspirations, my feelings don’t matter. In short you think – “I don’t matter.”
2. The Inner Critic (Where Mistakes Equal Incompetence)
The self-abandonment hiding in high standards
- Mistakes are unacceptable to you, they make you feel incompetent. You carry your mistake in your mind as proof or a reminder of your shortfalls. One mistake can lead you to – “I am good for nothing.”
- You jump to worst case scenarios in your mind even when you know it might never happen. You dissect them and feel like you have to be prepared for all of them.
- After a conflict, you replay the conversation in your head, going through every detail. You want to make sure you didn’t step out of the line even once.
- You hold yourself to a standard that would make you wince if you applied it to a friend. You often tell yourself- how could I forget, how could I slip, I used to be better than this.
All this comes wrapped in as a way to be cautious, like you are protecting yourself from slipping into a downfall. You keep thinking, if I let this slide, what kind of person would I be. But this protection never lets you be human, it keeps you aiming to be perfect.
The inner critic is a guardian who went rogue. It was supposed to protect you, but now it keeps rejecting you and your credibility as a good, competent person. You are kind to others but you are a constant source of abuse to yourself.
You hope others would give you the benefit of doubt but you don’t give it to yourself. So even if someone points out a small mistake, not to hurt you, but to inform you – your world falls apart. You think – They can see what I see now. They know I am not good enough.
3. The Perfectionist (Replaying and Checking Every Move)
When your worth depends on the outcome
- You take a long time to make decisions, you research, you speak to people and yet once done, you don’t feel confident.
- You delay the product launch, or the campaign launch because you are convinced you can do better.
- You want to show up in your perfect state in front of people, hence if someone starts asking questions when you are just brainstorming, you freeze or get angry.
- You re-read emails, replay conversations or big meetings in your head, just to check if you did anything wrong.
You work harder than almost anyone you know. You pay attention to small details, you go all in when you are doing something. You see it as being dedicated to your work and being good at what you do.
But you are chasing perfection in an imperfect world.
The cost? You question your effort, your worth when you don’t get the desired results.
You tell yourself – If I do something, I do it right. You want others to appreciate your efforts, but you give yourself credit only when the outcome is visible. You only think your hard work, the value you put in, is worth – only if there is something to show for. Your worth becomes conditional to what you have achieved, not who you are. You need the outcome to prove you were worth the effort in the first place.
4. The Cautious Dreamer (Waiting to Feel ‘Ready’)
The self-abandonment of holding yourself back from possibilities
- You don’t even apply for your dream job or the promotion you know you deserve, because you question – why will they even consider me.
- You want to start something of your own, you want to take the leap but you never feel ready. You keep postponing it.
- You want to try that new hobby or take that solo trip but you end up telling yourself- I am not cut out for it, so you don’t even try. And if you do try, you give up on the first roadblock you face – you knew you weren’t made for this.
- Life hands you a promotion, an opportunity that you have been waiting for. But you end up quitting, it’s too much at this stage you tell yourself. You run before you have even begun.
Your dreams stay in your dreams. You think a lot about them, maybe even get started, but you don’t take a concrete step forward. Or you try five things at once so you minimize your chances of failure. You tell yourself you are being practical, optimism needs realism to survive. You tell yourself there is something to figure out first, a skill gap, a right time – before you begin.
And you end up living in the shadows.
You tell yourself you believe in your dreams. But you keep them waiting.
You feel bad if others question your dream, you want to feel ready and start at the right time. But you keep waiting for it, there is never the right time or the feeling of being ready. You believe your desires are a luxury and you will get to them eventually, but for now you should focus on reality. Wearing the mask of practicality- you abandon yourself and your desires
5. The Approval Seeker (Chasing Constant Permission)
When you’ve outsourced your own okay-ness
- You do something new, make a decision and take the first step but then immediately you look around, to see how people reacted. You don’t want to take the second step unless they validate.
- You live by society’s rules or markers for success- you have the degree, the job, the marriage, the kids. But you never feel like ‘you made it’, life still looks like an uphill battle.
- You look for permission to do things, to spend your money, to cut your hair, to buy yourself something nice.
- You focus on the one person who disagrees with you in a crowd and try to convince them otherwise. You can’t rest until you know they have changed their mind.
You want to be the one who follows the playbook. But somehow after following everything, something seems missing. You find yourself thinking- what will others say ( log kya kahenge?). You crave acknowledgement, appreciation and a pat on your back for doing the right thing. It’s well deserved afterall.
But when it’s not there – you panic.
Your whole day can get derailed by negative feedback or comments. You value others’ opinions so much, you have made them your reality. You’re not sure where their perception of you ends and YOU begin. You chose things where you would be valued, appreciated and seen. You have forgotten what gives you joy, as your joy is now rooted in others’ happiness. You’re outsourcing the answer to “Am I okay?” and you never get to answer it for yourself.
6. The Self-Doubting Achiever (The Lucky Fraud)
Achieving everything, trusting nothing
You work hard, you hit the milestones and still feel like you just got lucky. And then you are always looking over your shoulder- did they find out?
- You compare yourself to others and you fixate on that one quality they have, but you don’t. You doubt yourself because they seem better than you at that particular activity.
- You often feel you are behind your peers. Even if you chose your path, others’ path looks green, easier or more fulfilling
- If someone gives you a complement, you feel awkward, as if you didn’t deserve it. You either launch into how it’s not a big deal or dim your own achievements.
Your CV says one thing, your inner voice says another. Your achievements, your credentials feel like a stroke of luck. You’re waiting to be caught, as if you are an imposter, even though no one’s looking for anything wrong. Your friends appreciate you but you consider it bare minimum.
The cost? You give too much, just to prove you are worthy of their love, the paycheck or just their attention.
The moment something doesn’t work, you tell yourself – “I knew it.” When people appreciate you you give credit to how others contributed to your success. You feel you have been luck so far and you don’t know when you will run out of that luck. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
How to Break the Loop and Rebuild Self-Trust
You may have recognised yourself somewhere in the above six faces. It could be a very clear – “Yes this is exactly me” – for one or more of them. Or it could be a mix of a couple of them, something like – “I do this, but I don’t do this.” or “ This happens to me but I know how to handle the other one.”
Like I said before, the way self-abandonment shows up can be very unique to you. The signs, the patterns of self-abandonment matter more than the exact behaviour.
A pattern, once seen, can be changed.
And that’s not just something nice to say. It’s what I watch happen when clients stop trying to fix themselves and start trying to understand themselves.
If you’re curious which pattern runs deepest for you, I’ve created a short assessment that maps exactly this. Take the Self-Doubt Pattern Assessment here.
The result of this test is not a diagnosis, it’s a door to self awareness, to freedom from old patterns.
In Part 3, we go underneath all of this – not the faces, but the roots. Where did these patterns actually come from? That’s what we’re getting into next.
This piece was originally written as Part 2 of my 10-part series on Substack. If you would like to receive my raw, weekly reflections on self-trust directly in your inbox, you can subscribe to Thrive with Aditi on Substack